Jelly Belly Journal 03/29/08
I have approximately 84 hours until I report for surgery at UPMC on Wednesday. It is no longer months or even weeks away, but days. Soon it will be hours. I realize I am not looking at the electric chair, but that must feel something like this. Thankfully, from a purely medical perspective, my “chances” of success in this procedure are outstanding. But from a spiritual perspective, there are no "chances".
I do not understand how Christians face such unnerving events as this without a firm grasp upon the absolute sovereignty of God in all things. I am convinced, not by John Calvin or any of his disciples, but from the clear teaching of scripture that God rules over everything He has made, all day, every day, and even at night too. Joseph declared that the actions of his brothers in selling him as a slave were absolutely meant for evil. They were evil. But God meant those same actions to be for good, the spiritual good of the entire nation of Israel.
Jonah finds himself in, what is at least in my mind, the absolute worst circumstances a man could ever be in: Inside a fish, at the bottom of the ocean, and still alive. But it was a fish sent by God. A fish that first swallowed the rebellious prophet, and then delivered him to the shore three days later. I wonder if Jonah knew how to swim? Undoubtedly, those were the three longest days of his life. But they were divinely orchestrated for the good of Jonah, for the people of Nineveh, and for you and me.
Daniel’s chums, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego find themselves in a situation where they either worship the king’s golden image or get thrown into a furnace! There wasn’t even any discussion among them. Not only were they not going to sin against God and worship an idol, but even if God did not deliver them from the furnace, they would obey Him. Wow. These guys are staring death in the face, knowing that a sovereign God rules in pagan Babylon. Miraculously, they are delivered from their life-threatening circumstance, and the king worships the true God, the God who reigns over all the earth.
Job is delivered from his troubles, never knowing it was Satan who attacked him. Nor is he told that God allowed him to do so. Our God is sovereign over our greatest spiritual enemy who constantly seeks for those believers he might devour. God is sovereign over the nations, over kingdoms, over the lives of individuals and all their circumstances, even to the smallest detail. God is even sovereign over every movement of the surgeon’s knife, and every electronic apparatus in the OR. Everything belongs to God to do with as He pleases, according to the good pleasure of His will.
But just what is His will? And even more pointed, what is His will for me in this goofy cancer I now have? Is there some point in all this? Is there some particular reason why I am going through this angst? The Scriptures give at least three reasons for afflictions like this one in my life and yours, if you are a Christian. If you are not a Christian, I cannot say that these things apply to you. On the contrary, these promises are the exclusive ownership of those whose faith is in the Lord Jesus Christ alone for salvation.
First, James 1:2-3. Affliction produces perseverance. That is what he means when he says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” (James 1:2-3, NKJV). The word patience, means endurance, perseverance, steadfastness. This spiritual quality in the life of the Christian is so valuable and so precious that the trials and difficulties that are necessary in order for us to gain it are to be met with joy. Joy! “You mean God is producing perseverance in me through this illness? Hallelujah!”
It is obvious to me that most Christians do not understand this passage in this sense. I have overheard many believers instruct others to never pray for patience because God will make you miserable. But James says the exact opposite. Patient perseverance is of such high worth to us that the troubles which produce it are cause for rejoicing. Pretty amazing. Extremely counter-cultural. Trials produce perseverance. So rejoice in them. I’m pretty sure I haven't learned that one yet.
Second, chastening produces righteousness. Hebrews 12:11 says, “Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Chapters 11 and 12 of Hebrews talk about suffering as a Christian. I realize there are many Evangelicals who would take issue with that statement. There are many who would deny that Christians are supposed to suffer at all in this life.
But isn't it obvious that we live in a fallen world? Both the Christian and the pagan get sick. Everyone eventually dies. But for the believer, his God brings suffering into his life intentionally for the purpose of making him righteous, holy, and good. I’m not saying that all suffering comes directly from the hand of God. But this passage tells us that God trains, teaches, and forces us to change from what and who we are, into what and who He wants us to be. Illnesses are part of that plan of God to produce in us the “peaceable fruit of righteousness.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I know it is good. It is very good! I’m looking forward to being more righteous as a result of Pseudomyxoma Peritonei. I mean, why would you want to have cancer for nothing?
Thirdly, all things are designed by my Heavenly Father to make me like Jesus. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.” (Romans 8:28-29, NKJV).
Austin Robeson made me memorize that passage of Scripture 35 years ago. I cannot think of any other single passage that has kept me from fear and despair like this one. This tells us that God’s purpose in giving me PMP is to conform me to the image of His Son. Does that sound cruel? Surely someone will say, “God would never do something like this to you! God loves you!”
Yes, He does. He loves me so much that it pleased Him to sacrifice His own beloved Son by the hands of wicked men for my sake. Jesus suffered the punishment for my sins by taking them upon Himself. God killed His Son for me. Jesus, moved by love for me, and by love for His Father, willingly subjected Himself to a violent death by ungodly men so that I might live forever.
I want to be like Him. I want learn to persevere in hardship. I want to learn to be righteous and holy like He is. How is that going to happen if I never experience any of the affliction and persecution my Master suffered? Am I better than He? Do I deserve better treatment than He received? What is it worth to be like Jesus Christ?
Well, it is certainly worth surgery. But when I enter the surgical suite on Wednesday, there will actually be two surgeries happening. Abdominal surgery, and heart surgery. Dr. Holtzman (aka Dr. Stud) will be on a search and destroy mission looking for cancerous tumors. The sovereign God over all creation will be changing and conforming my miserable heart so that when the day is done, I will be more, not less, like my magnificent Savior than I used to be. That is worth everything.
This is the last entry in my journal prior to surgery. I expect to return to it after being back home for a while, probably the latter half of April. We’ll see. If all goes according to Doc’s expectations, I should be home around the 14th. Hopefully, the Lord has a better plan and I’ll get home sooner than that. I nearly went nuts after two days at Mt. Nittany Medical Center back in October. I’ll be suicidal after 12 days in Pittsburgh! Pray for 8. Really! Just pray for 8 days. Or any number less than 12.
Thank you for your many expressions of love to Sharon and me. We have been greatly encouraged by you all. And if you should find yourself wandering the streets of Pittsburgh next week, stop in. After Wednesday.
Grace and peace to all who read by here.
Keith