Grace Fellowship 08/03/08 How to Succeed in Interpersonal Relationships (or, Must I Love You?) Proverbs 18
“Interpersonal Relationships” - What comes to mind when you hear that phrase? For some, it seems to sound a lot like that verse in the New Testament that has been tweaked just slightly: “Where two or more are gathered together, there will be conflict.” Other phrases that easily come to mind when we hear of “interpersonal relationships”, like “Conflict Management” or “Irreconcilable Differences”, are nice ways of referring to the seemingly incessant fighting that goes on between people.
Conflict is everywhere. It exists continuously on a microscopic and a macroscopic scale. Conflict is happening even as we speak all the way from wrestling matches over plastic building blocks in the church nursery, to nuclear threats in the Middle East capable of destroying entire nations. In the spiritual realm as well, conflicts between people are constant. Christians against atheists, Fundamentalists against Liberals, Conservatives against Neo-Evangelicals, Protestants against Roman Catholics, and radical Muslims against pretty much everybody.
The topic of interpersonal relationships, although it would not have been called by that socially acceptable name, was brought into high relief when Cain murdered his brother Abel. That conflict was the result of a previous conflict between the persons of God and Adam, which was the result of a conflict (or rather the LACK of conflict) between Satan and Eve. Reminders like these cause us to want to agree with the person who says the world would be a pretty nice place if it weren’t for all the people in it. Or at least, if it weren’t for all the OTHER people in it. I seem to get along quite well with myself, as do you with yourself most of the time, in spite of the fact which we would all agree on, that we are our own worst enemies.
So given all of this common knowledge, it should go without saying that we live in a fallen world. What we mean by that is sin, and conflict, has permeated all of creation. There is nothing anywhere in the universe that has not been negatively affected by the sin of Adam. Paul tells us in Romans that the whole of creation groans as it waits for the revelation of the children of God. “Because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.” (Romans 8:21, NKJV). The effect sin has had on everything from the innermost soul of man to the rocks at the outermost edge of the universe is that it is now all corrupted. But the hope of creation and the Christian is for that great day when we experience the glorious liberation out of that sin, and conflict, and corruption, and we step into a fully restored eternity.
However, in the meantime, while we eagerly wait for that great restoration with perseverance, one of the things we are called to persevere through and with is each other. The greatest command we have from God is to love Him. The second is to love each other. The two tables of the Ten Commandments deal first with how we love God, and secondly how we relate in love to one another, to our fellow fallen man. Proverbs has a LOT to say about the latter, about how we interact with people in a cursed world. Turn to Proverbs, chapter 18.
1 A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.
2 A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.
3 When the wicked comes, contempt comes also; And with dishonor comes reproach.
4 The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; The wellspring of wisdom is a flowing brook.
5 It is not good to show partiality to the wicked, Or to overthrow the righteous in judgment.
6 A fool's lips enter into contention, And his mouth calls for blows. 7 A fool's mouth is his destruction, And his lips are the snare of his soul. 8 The words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles, And they go down into the inmost body.
9 He who is slothful in his work Is a brother to him who is a great destroyer.
10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; The righteous run to it and are safe. 11 The rich man's wealth is his strong city, And like a high wall in his own esteem.
12 Before destruction the heart of a man is haughty, And before honor is humility.
13 He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.
14 The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, But who can bear a broken spirit?
15 The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
16 A man's gift makes room for him, And brings him before great men.
17 The first one to plead his cause seems right, Until his neighbor comes and examines him.
18 Casting lots causes contentions to cease, And keeps the mighty apart.
19 A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a castle.
20 A man's stomach shall be satisfied from the fruit of his mouth, From the produce of his lips he shall be filled.
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.
23 The poor man uses entreaties, But the rich answers roughly.
24 A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:1-24, NKJV).
Let’s take some time to consider several of the verses in this chapter and see how they relate to this topic of our interactions with other people.
Verses 1 & 2 - 1 A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment. 2 A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.
Trying to reason with a fool is like trying to take a sip of water from a fire hose. In his rage against wisdom, he will often dominate any conversation you try to have with him. He stands alone, he thinks himself to be self-sufficient, and has no interest in what you have to say. All the conversation flows in one direction: at you. There is no “with” you because he isolates, and insulates himself against anyone who would come alongside and try to enlighten him with true wisdom. He is a “stand alone” unit, isolated so as to avoid having his mind changed by anyone. What he wants, what he thinks, what he has determined to be right and true is not subject to debate. The Scriptures call such a person a fool.
There is only one Person that never needs assistance or advice or wise counsel. Only one, and its none of us. He never shares His opinion about anything because He doesn’t have an opinion. Rather, everything this Person thinks is always right. He is truly in need of nothing, and He is alone in His total self-sufficiency. That Person is God. All the rest of us, at least from time to time, need the counsel of those who are wiser than we are.
But that fact does not prevent some, if not most of us, from thinking way too often that we know what is best and we don’t need anyone else telling us we’re wrong. “I know what I want, I’m convinced I’m right, so leave me alone.” OK. Good-bye. We’ll leave you alone, you can isolate yourself from the wisdom of godly counsel. You can self-destruct and be proud that you did it your way. I think there was a song written for people like you.
Within the Body of Christ, this kind of mindset, this self-sufficient, “nobody’s gonna tell me what to do” mentality is intolerable. If those who do not know the Lord Jesus want to be that way, then there really isn’t much we can do about that except warn them and pray for them. But amongst believers, we have an obligation to help one another make it through this life, in this fallen world, surrounded by sinners and saints alike, in a manner that is pleasing to God. That requires us to watch each other’s back, so to speak, and help one another in our relationships.
Sitting together and discussing the issues and problems of life should not be like one person holding the fire hose blasting the other person. Rather, I think a better picture is one of friends with many problems and issues in common, sharing a common cup of wisdom served to us by God Himself in the form of the Scriptures. How many relationships would be sustained and even flourish among believers if we loved each other in this way? But too often, our own pride prohibits others from breaking through our onslaught, our rage against their wise judgment, and we suffer unnecessarily as a result.
Verse 4 -The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; The wellspring of wisdom is a flowing brook.
Words are not insignificant. Our words are weighty, so much so that the Scriptures tell us every idle word will have to be accounted for before God. That fact should instantly reduce our conversations to about one-tenth of what they are now. Words are weighty, and therefore they can be and often are dangerous.
The Jews seemed to have an inordinate fear of large bodies of water. I think I may have some Jewish blood in my background somewhere. But one of the things that fed those fears was the terrors that presumably existed out in those deep waters of the Mediterranean Sea. What would they have thought of the Atlantic Ocean!!
Solomon compares the words of men’s mouths to dangerous, deep waters. You can’t see to the bottom of them. You don’t really know what’s down there. There are things lurking in the deep waters of men’s hearts that are destructive, deadly, that are released by means of words and how they are used. A man’s life can be destroyed by foolish talk and hateful speech. Entire nations have been destroyed by the power of evil men’s words.
Contrast that with the words of the wise. The contrast is between deep waters and a wellspring. What is so precious about a wellspring that isn’t found in all the waters of the oceans of the world? You can drink water from a well. You can sustain life from the fresh waters of a brook. The water of the ocean is not only undrinkable, but will make you sick and eventually kill you. The difference between fresh water and salt water is life and death. When you talk with others, and in your relationships with the people around you, are your words more like undrinkable saltwater, or a cup of cold fresh water on a hot day? Be careful of your words. Examine your own speech.
Verses 6-8 6 A fool's lips enter into contention, And his mouth calls for blows. 7 A fool's mouth is his destruction, And his lips are the snare of his soul. 8 The words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles, And they go down into the inmost body.
How many times have we heard someone say, “You’re asking for it!” That is the last thing some people hear immediately prior to being beaten to a pulp by someone who has finally had enough of their stupidity. “His mouth calls for blows!” He’s just asking for it, he’s “cruisin’ for a bruisin’”. The guy needs to take the advice of the previous chapter, Proverbs 17:28 - Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive. But that’s the whole problem. A fool doesn’t know when to shut up. He can’t hear what you’re saying because of all the noise coming out of his own mouth.
Consequently, his own soul is caught in a snare made with his own words. His lies and the provocative babble from his own mouth destroys him. This is why some interpersonal relationships so often go south. Because people can’t stop “sharing” long enough for someone else to actually get a wise word into their heads edgewise or any other way. It’s hard to have a good relationship, it’s really hard to love someone who insists upon his own demise. He loves contention.
Contention: strife, quarrel, dispute, controversy. A contentious person loves to argue and to hear himself speak. He is argumentative, contentious. The Bible tells us we are supposed to be contentious when it comes to the faith. We’re to contend earnestly for the faith! But we’re not supposed to be contentious about everything! And that is the difference. Some things, relatively few things are actually worth fighting for. The truth of the Gospel is one of them. But the person who is constantly contentious, regularly looking for an argument, loving to tell tales and gossip in order to provoke strife, avoid him. In many cases, the best relationship you can have with such a person is none at all, lest you become like him.
Verse 13 - He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.
Once again, it’s hard to have any input when the person you’re talking to is talking so fast he doesn’t even stop to take a breath. When he does stop talking, all he’s doing is stepping back into the blocks and getting his footing so as soon as he sees a pause on your lips, that is the equivalent of the starting gun firing and his lips are off and running the 100 yard dash again.
It is both foolish and shameful for a person to think he is so wise and insightful that he can speak to a matter before he even hears the whole thing. It’s hard to love know it alls. It’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who habitually knows more than you do about nearly everything and can’t shut up long enough for you to even make a comment about it. I had a friend like that when I was growing up. He wasn’t my best friend.
Do you listen to people when they talk to you? And I’m speaking particularly of those occasions when the subject is weighty and serious. And just as a side note, it’s hard to listen to what people are saying if you just can’t bring yourself to turn off the TV or the radio so you can hear them without interruption.
This skill of listening to others is even more crucial when someone is coming to you for advice, asking for a word of wisdom. How can you give a good, wise, biblical, godly answer if you can’t stop long enough to hear what the problem is? A good and healthy relationship with anyone requires having ears to hear what they say, especially in their time of need. A good relationship really is a two-way street, with give and take, with speaking and listening. If you only want friends because you need someone to listen to you whenever you feel the need to talk, and there is never any real reciprocation, never any real return of the favor, then that isn’t friendship. That is a counseling relationship, but not friendship in the sense I’m speaking of. Be quiet and listen. The day is coming when you’ll need a real friend to listen to you.
Verse 17 - The first one to plead his cause seems right, Until his neighbor comes and examines him.
It is our normal tendency to believe people are telling us the truth when they plead their cause. This is a good verse to remember the next time you go car shopping. You walk onto the car lot, and 30 minutes later you are convinced that the Corvair is the greatest car ever built in America. That is the job of a salesman, and he sincerely hopes you won’t leave the premises until he has your signature on the paperwork. He doesn’t want you to talk to anyone else, because if you do, you will quickly find out that the Corvair practically invented the concept of the “lemon”.
Mr. A comes to you with a complaint against Mr. B. He gives all the gory details and describes how he has been victimized, he has been treated unfairly, and how Mr. B needs to spend some time behind bars. You know Mr. A and you have no reason to think he would lie to you, so you believe his story.
Then enters Mr. B with his defense attorney. According to him, things didn’t quite happen as Mr. A said. Mr. B gives an equally credible story. What would have happened if Mr. B hadn’t spoken up? He might have spent some time behind bars for no good reason.
Life is complicated. That is why wisdom is so valuable. Without it, our relationships with others will be strained at best, and there will be open animosity at worst. When this kind of thing happens between Christians, unbelievers are given yet more ammunition to fire at us, more reason to charge us with hypocrisy. But when we love the brethren and deal wisely with one another, even the ungodly will have nothing they can legitimately say against us. As Peter says, our conduct must be honorable among the unbelievers around us, so that when they speak against us as evildoers, they may, by our good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation (1 Peter 2:12, NKJV, paraphrased).
Verse 18 - Casting lots causes contentions to cease, And keeps the mighty apart.
We spoke briefly about this whole matter of casting lots several weeks ago. So how is it that casting lots could eliminate strife and contention between two parties? Sometimes decisions between differing points of view should be decided by the flip of a coin. There are times when matters can be resolved that simply.
A decision has to be made. The concerned parties are at an impasse. A stalemate. Neither side has an overwhelming, decisive factor that can sway the situation in the favor of one or the other. So what do we do? Well, it seems there are two choices: 1) Put on the gloves and the last man standing wins his way, or 2) Flip a coin. Agree that it is a sovereign God that determines even the toss of a coin, the roll of the dice. Leave the decision to Him and agree to abide by it. That is wisdom. Many friendships, even many marriages, could be saved with something as simple as an acknowledgment of God in this way. Let God’s sovereign hand decide the matter, and agree to abide by His decision.
Verse 19 - A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a castle. When was the last time you heard someone say, “I’m offended.” Or, “That offends me.” We hear it so much these days that we tend to automatically chalk it up as someone’s super-sensitive whining about yet another insignificant issue.
But suppose it is your brother, either biological or spiritual, who has genuinely offended you. The word “offended” is sometimes translated in the Old Testament as “rebelled“. A brother, someone with whom there is some familial tie, or some kind of spiritual fellowship or relationship, has rebelled against you, trespassed against you, sinned against you, and you have legitimate reason to be upset, you have just cause to be angry with him. What kind of effect does such sin have upon that kind of close relationship? Listen to what John Gill says about this verse:
“A fortified city may sooner be taken by an enemy, than one brother offended can be reconciled to another; their resentments against each other are keener than against another person that has offended them; and their love being turned into hatred, it is more bitter; and it is more difficult to compose differences between brethren than between enemies; wherefore such should take care that they fall not out by the way.”
When brother sins against brother, it is often very difficult to restore them. When Christians sin against one another, it hurts more than if an unbeliever sins against us. We expect the world to hate us because they hated Jesus, but the brethren? My brother? My sister in the Lord? That is a hard blow to take. We have reason to expect our fellow Christians to treat us better than that. Those who have been forgiven of all their sins, who have experienced God’s justification of them in spite of all their offenses against Him, it is reasonable to expect the forgiven to not offend one another. When it does happen, it is particularly painful.
Often, that pain turns into resentment. It doesn’t take long for us to think of people who would call themselves Christians who have committed sins against us. We all know such people. And, if the truth were known, many of us are on someone else’s list of so-called Christian offenders. To bring about restoration of those relationships is difficult. Taking a strong city in a time of war is more easily accomplished than restoring an offended brother. Think Jacob and Esau. Think Isaac and Ishmael. Think Cain and Abel. It's hard to restore a relationship when one of the parties is dead.
That is why we must be very careful about our relationships with one another. People are watching. Aside from the destruction of a brotherly relationship, when we have fighting amongst ourselves, when we have so-called “irreconcilable differences” among ourselves, it cheapens the Gospel, it is a stain upon the testimony of the church, and it gives the enemies of God an occasion to blaspheme.
“Wherefore such should take care that they fall not out by the way.” Do you remember what Jesus had to say about this?
21 "You have heard that it was said to those of old, `You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.' 22 "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, `Raca!' shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, `You fool!' shall be in danger of hell fire. 23 "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 "leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. 25 "Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. 26 "Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny. (Matthew 5:21-26, NKJV).
Fix it. If your brother really does have something against you, if you really have sinned and offended him, then don’t go to the altar. Don’t come to worship God without admitting your guilt to your brother first. Why is that? A couple of reasons. One, it smacks of hypocrisy to worship God while knowing you have sinned against your brother and you haven’t made it right. Two, if you drag it out too long, your brother may become your adversary, take you to court, and you’re going to be doing some jail time. The time for reconciliation is sooner rather than later. Later may be too late, and the brother will not be persuaded to forgive. And if you refuse to humble yourself and be reconciled to him when you know you are guilty, then if he throws you into prison, so be it. Jesus said, “you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny.”
Such is the nature of interpersonal relationships. We are complicated creatures. Our sinfulness and foolishness produces immeasurable misery. That is one of the reasons why we must learn to hate our own sin, and cry out for wisdom from God to help us avoid it in the first place. Is there anything we need to make right between ourselves? Is there a brother or a sister elsewhere whom we’ve sinned against, and haven’t made it right? Let’s be very careful about how we live together as believers, as members of the Body of Christ.
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Concerning “Raca!” and “You fool!“ in Matthew 5:22-23 above, according to Gill:
Ver. 22. But I say unto you, &c.] This is a Rabbinical way of speaking, used when a question is determined, and a false notion is refuted; it is a magisterial form of expression, and well suits with Christ, the great teacher and master in Israel; who spake as one having authority, opposing himself, not to the law of "Moses, thou shalt not kill"; but to the false gloss the ancient doctors had put upon it, with which their later ones agreed. You say, that if one man kills another himself, he is to be put to death by the sanhedrim; and if he does it by proxy, he is to be left to the judgment of God, so wholly restraining the law to actual murder; but I affirm, that
whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause, shall be in danger of judgment. By "brother" is meant, not in a religious sense, one that is of the same faith, or in the same church state; nor, in a strict natural sense, one that is so in the bonds of consanguinity; but in a large sense, any man, of whatsoever country or nation: for we are to be angry with no man; that is, as is rightly added,
without a cause: for otherwise there is an anger which is not sinful, is in God, in Christ, in the holy angels; and is commendable in the people of God, when it arises from a true zeal for religion, the glory of God, and the interest of Christ; and is kindled against sin, their own, or others, all manner of vice, false doctrine, and false worship: but it is causeless anger which is here condemned by Christ, as a breach of the law, "thou shalt not kill"; and such persons are
in danger of judgment; not of any of the courts of judicature among the Jews, as the sanhedrim of three, or of twenty three, or of seventy one, which took no notice of anger, as a passion in the mind, only of facts committed; but of the judgment of God, as in the preceding "verse", it being distinguished from the sanhedrim, or council, in the next clause.
And whosoever shall say to his brother Raca, shall be in danger of the council, or "sanhedrim". The word Raca is expressive of indignation and contempt; it was used as a term of reproach. Some derive it from qqr to "spit upon"; as if the person that used it thought the man he spoke to deserved to be spit upon, and treated in the most contemptuous manner: but rather the word signifies "empty" and "vain", and denotes a worthless, empty headed man; a man of no brains; a foolish, witless, fellow: so it is often used in Jewish writings. Take a few instances, as follow:
``a certain person said to R. Jochanan {w}, Rabbi, expound,
for it becomes thee to expound; for as thou hast said, so
have I seen: he replied to him, aqyr Reka, if thou hadst
not seen, thou wouldst not have believed.''
Again {x}, it happened to R. Simeon ben Eliezer of Migdal Edar, who went from the house of Rabbi; and he met with a certain man very much deformed; he says unto him, hqyr Reka, how many are the deformed sons of "Abraham our father?" Many more instances might be given {y}. Now I do not find that the use of this reproachful word was cognizable by the Jewish sanhedrim, or great council; nor is it our Lord's meaning that it was, only that it ought to have been taken notice of in a proper manner, as well as actual murder. He adds,
but whosoever shall say thou fool, shall be danger of hell fire. The word "fool" does not signify a man of weak parts, one that is very ignorant in things natural; this the word Raca imports; but a wicked reprobate man; in which sense Solomon often uses the word. The Persic version renders it here "wicked". There is a manifest gradation in the text from causeless anger in the breast, or reproachful words; and from thence to a censorious judging of a man's spiritual and eternal estate, which is what is here condemned. "Thou fool", is, thou wicked man, thou ungodly wretch, thou graceless creature, whose portion will be eternal damnation. Calling a man by such names was not allowed of by the Jews themselves, whose rules are:
``he that calls his neighbour a servant, let him be
excommunicated; a bastard, let him be beaten with forty
stripes; evr, "a wicked man", let him descend with him
into his life or livelihood {z}.''
The gloss upon it is,
``as if he should say, to this the sanhedrim is not obliged,
but it is lawful to hate him, yea to lessen his sustenance,
and exercise his trade,''
which was done to bring him to poverty and distress. So, it seems, the sanhedrim were not obliged to take notice of him. Again, they say,
``it is forbidden a man to call his neighbour by a name of
reproach {a} every one that calls his neighbour evr, "a
wicked man", shall be brought down to hell;''
which is pretty much what Christ here says,
shall be in danger of hell fire; or deserving of hell fire; or liable to, and in danger of punishment, even "unto hell fire". An expression much like this may be observed in Jarchi, on #Isa 24:23| where he speaks of some persons Mnhgl Mnhg ybyywxm, "who are guilty", deserving, or in danger of "hell unto hell". The word geenna, here used, and which is often used in the New Testament for "hell", is but the Hebrew Mnh ayg, "Ge-Hinnom", the valley of Hinnom, where the children were caused to pass through the fire to Moloch. This place, the Jewish writers {b} say,
``Was a place well known, near to Jerusalem, a valley, whose
fire was never quenched; and in which they burned the
bones of any thing that was unclean, and dead carcasses,
and other pollutions.''
Hence the word came to be used among them, as might be shown in innumerable instances, to express the place and state of the damned; and very fitly describes it.