Grace Fellowship 09/07/08 Child-Rearing 101 Proverbs 22
1 A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches,
Loving favor rather than silver and gold.
2 The rich and the poor have this in common,
The LORD is the maker of them all.
3 A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself,
But the simple pass on and are punished.
4 By humility and the fear of the LORD
Are riches and honor and life.
5 Thorns and snares are in the way of the perverse;
He who guards his soul will be far from them.
6 Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.
7 The rich rules over the poor,
And the borrower is servant to the lender.
8 He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow,
And the rod of his anger will fail.
9 He who has a generous eye will be blessed,
For he gives of his bread to the poor.
10 Cast out the scoffer, and contention will leave;
Yes, strife and reproach will cease.
11 He who loves purity of heart
And has grace on his lips,
The king will be his friend.
12 The eyes of the LORD preserve knowledge,
But He overthrows the words of the faithless.
13 The lazy man says, "There is a lion outside!
I shall be slain in the streets!"
14 The mouth of an immoral woman is a deep pit;
He who is abhorred by the LORD will fall there.
15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
The rod of correction will drive it far from him.
16 He who oppresses the poor to increase his riches,
And he who gives to the rich, will surely come to poverty.
Today we will be focusing on two verses from this chapter which instruct parents in the fine art of child-rearing. I understand that only a few of us have young children. However, several others of us are either grandparents, or we’re anticipating grandparenthood at some point. Others of us have young nieces and nephews with whom we interact. So the topic is relevant.
But it is also relevant in light of the culture in which we raise our children today. In our society, to speak of disciplining young children raises eyebrows and causes every parent who makes such a statement an immediate suspect of child abuse. The two terms are seen as nearly synonymous. Discipline = abuse, in many peoples’ minds. For a parent to insist that their child change his negative behavior is equivalent to psychological abuse in the opinion of many “experts” today. So raising one’s child according to biblical standards is nearly comparable to barbarism in many circles.
The Bible has a lot to say about how we raise our children. The two verses we are looking at today are verses 6 and 15. Both verses, if adhered to, will make us very counter-cultural. But before we consider these and other passages of scripture relating to how we raise our children, let’s be sure we don’t neglect something very obvious. Obviously there is such a thing as child abuse, and oftentimes legitimate disciplinary actions cross the line into unlawful abuse. But exactly what is child abuse? The federal government has given us their general definition.
“Physical abuse is nonaccidental physical injury (ranging from minor bruises to severe fractures or death) as a result of punching, beating, kicking, biting, shaking, throwing, stabbing, choking, hitting (with a hand, stick, strap, or other object), burning, or otherwise harming a child, that is inflicted by a parent, caregiver, or other person who has responsibility for the child. Such injury is considered abuse regardless of whether the caregiver intended to hurt the child. Physical discipline, such as spanking or paddling, is not considered abuse as long as it is reasonable and causes no bodily injury to the child.” 1
I don’t have a problem with that definition. It is against the law to cause physical injury to a child. Of course, we then have varying degrees of what is called physical injury. But even the govenrment recognizes that spanking and paddling is acceptable as long as it “causes no bodily injury to the child.” I agree with that and I encourage you to agree with it as well. In spite of all the horror stories we’ve heard regarding the abuses of government agencies, I would not want that job for any amount of money. No doubt for every horror story, there are multiple success stories where children have been delivered from real danger. The good stories don’t get the attention they ought, and only the Lord knows how many children have been spared terrible abuse because of government intervention.
Having said that, as Christians, we have a biblical duty to help our children grow up well. We are the ones responsible for teaching our children the way in which they should walk. The book of Proverbs is a child-rearing manual. Proverbs 22:6 communicates to us the intent of the entire book: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs is all about the way in which our children should go.
I want to read you some other translations of this verse:
Train up a boy on the opening of his way, even when he is old, he will not turn aside from it. (Green)
Give instruction to a youth about his way, Even when he is old he turneth not from it. (Young)
Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (HCSB)
Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Amplified)
That last translation, or rather, commentary, is a problem. That is how the Amplified Bible renders this verse, and I believe they have taken some liberties they shouldn’t have. But there are a lot of people who believe this is the best understanding of this verse. In other words, rather than training a child in the way he SHOULD go, they say the intent of the verse is more like train up a child in keeping with his natural talents, abilities, and inclinations. If that is what is meant here, it is in contrast with everything this book of Proverbs has taught thus far, and will continue to teach.
Our training of our children may involve encouraging them to pursue particular interests and skills, according to the abilities the Lord has given them. But that is not what is meant here. The context of this verse is the other 30 chapters of Proverbs. It can be summed up with the single phrase, “Be wise.” We are to train our children to be wise. That is the way in which they should go, NOT in the way of fools.
I do not know of another verse in the Bible that would overtly support this translation, “Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent] … .” However, there is a New Testament passage that substantiates what seems to be clearly stated here in Proverbs 22:6.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: 3"that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth." And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. (Eph 6:1-4, NKJV)
NASB - “but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Children must be trained, brought up, raised, instructed, led, and indoctrinated in the ways of the Lord. Proverbs 22:6 is not about parents being their children’s private cheering section or support group for whatever they want to do with their lives. It is not about comforting them in all they do so as to avoid a self-esteem problem. Rather it is about correcting their thinking and their actions. How do I know this? Specifically because of Proverbs 22:15!
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him.
This is where the part about child abuse comes in. Who knows how many children have died or been severely injured in the name of so-called biblical discipline? We don’t have any statistics in that regard. But what is the point of this verse? Is the main idea that we have permission from God to beat foolishness out of our children? Listen to the very next chapter, Proverbs 23:13-14.
Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.
Far from supporting our children in the way they will naturally go, Proverbs is telling us they need to be delivered from that way. Foolishness is the natural inclination of the human heart. Death and Hell are natural destinations. There are two ways we as adults can help our children avoid this. 1) Instruction in the right way (the nurture and admonition of the Lord), and 2) physical punishment when they insist upon pursuing the wrong way. Instruction and punishment are both are necessary. Wisdom in applying them is indispensable.
But the Scriptures are also saying something here which the world does not recognize as being true. In fact, many would be mortified to hear this in this permissive, undisciplined, and promiscuous culture. They differ with us even to the point of taking legal action against us. But what we see here is the very real truth that inflicting pain upon a child for the sake of his soul is needful.
Here are two things we learn from the Proverbs in this regard:
1. Loving parents can inflict measured, controlled discipline upon their children that involves real pain in order to help them avoid death, or
2. Parents can withhold such discipline, which amounts to hatred for their children and results in far greater pain than loving discipline would ever inflict.
He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. Prov 13:24
Somehow we have been deceived into thinking that the physical disciplining of our children is unloving. It is a lie. Rather, lack of discipline is unloving. If we withhold consistent, loving discipline from our children, it is tantamount to consigning them to Hell.
Richard Baxter, an English Puritan who lived from 1615-1691 said the following, and he addressed it specifically to parents, but I am applying it more broadly:
“Parents! Your children have an everlasting inheritance of happiness to attain--and it is that which you must bring them up for. They have an endless misery to escape--and it is that which you must diligently teach them. If you don't teach them to know God, and how to serve Him, and be saved, and to escape the flames of hell--you teach them nothing, or worse than nothing.
It is in your hands to do them the greatest kindness or cruelty in all the world! Help them to know God
and to be saved, and you do more for them than if you helped them to be kings or princes. If you neglect their souls, and bring them up them in ignorance, worldliness, ungodliness, and sin--you betray them to the devil, the enemy of souls, even as truly as if you sold them to him! You sell them to be slaves to Satan! You betray them to him who will deceive them and abuse them in this life--and torment them in eternity! 2
There are two ways to help our children avoid an everlasting pain that is infinitely greater than any physical pain we could possibly ever inflict upon them: Train them in wisdom, in the way they should go, and punish them when they sin. We are preserving their souls when we do so. But our punishment must always be borne out of love for them, and our instruction must be driven by a concern for their salvation. Listen to Paul’s words to Timothy:
12 Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. 13 But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14 But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15 and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. (2 Timothy 3:12-15)
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1 - http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/whatiscan.cfm
All states are responsible for defining child abuse and neglect under the general guidelines of the federal definitions. The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania defines child abuse in these terms:
Child abuse shall mean any of the following:
* Any recent act or failure to act by a perpetrator that causes nonaccidental serious physical injury to a child under age 18
* Any recent act, failure to act, or series of such acts or failures to act by a perpetrator that creates an imminent risk of serious physical injury to a child under age 18
Serious bodily injury means bodily injury that creates a substantial risk of death or causes serious permanent disfigurement or protracted loss or impairment of function of any bodily member or organ.
Serious physical injury means an injury that causes a child severe pain or significantly impairs a child's physical functioning, either temporarily or permanently.
Nonaccidental means an injury that is the result of an intentional act that is committed with disregard of a substantial and unjustifiable risk.
http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/index.cfmevent=stateStatutes.processSearch
According to FindCounseling.com,
“Examples of Physical Abuse include: Beating with a belt, shoe, or other object; Biting a child; Breaking a child's arm, leg, or other bones; Burning a child with matches or cigarettes; Hitting a child; Kicking a child; Not letting a child eat, drink, or use the bathroom; Pulling a child's hair out; Punching a child; Scalding a child with water that is too hot; Shaking, shoving, or slapping a child.” http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/physical-abuse.html
In Pennsylvania, clergy are required by law to report instances of child abuse:
Citation: 23 Pa. Cons. Stat. Ann. § 6311(a), (b) (LexisNexis through 2007 Reg. Sess.)
Except with respect to confidential communications made to an ordained member of the clergy, which are protected under law relating to confidential communications to clergymen, the privileged communication between any professional person required to report and the patient or client of that person shall not apply to situations involving child abuse [or neglect] and shall not constitute grounds for failure to report as required by this chapter.
Enumeration of persons required to report [includes]: members of the clergy.
See http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/index.cfm?event=stateStatutes.processSearch
“In 14 states, the District of Columbia, American Samoa, and the Northern Mariana Islands, physical discipline of a child, as long as it is reasonable and causes no bodily injury to the child, is an exception to the definition of abuse.” These states are “Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Carolina, Texas, and Washington.” Pennsylvania apparently does not recognize this exception. Taken from Child Welfare Information Gateway: Definitions of Child Abuse and Neglect. The document can be downloaded in PDF format here: http://www.childwelfare.gov/can/defining/
2 - Taken from Richard Baxter’s sermon, Motives for a Holy and Careful Education of Children. See http://www.gracegems.org/05/12/parent.html